Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
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Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.