Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
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When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
a god among men
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in