Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.

Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”

Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.

a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

1% battery…..

Because I like to live on the

Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.

“Mummy, you look pretty today.”

If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.

[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon

*invents time machine*

*has an opportunity to right a wrong*

*makes it wronger*

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

[walking in on boyfriend]

me: oh god

him: it’s not what it looks like!

me: how could you do this to me?!

him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way

me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss

Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.

I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible

Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.