Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put the p in pants.

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit

i wish we could shoplift online

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t

~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.

thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine

Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME

If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”

Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me

Me *whispers*: never again

Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel

The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue

oh u like history? name everything that happened

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*

HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!

For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.