Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

#MeanwhileinCanada

Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.

[getting completely dominated in a street fight]

ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother

i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:

Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”

4yo: “…no you’re not…”

If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.

Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.