Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
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Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I just hope they never ban YouTube because I’ll never be able to figure out how to fix anything ever again.