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[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later


Remember ladies. It goes from Twitter to Kik to Voxer to cell phone number to address to being dismembered in a motel bathtub.


Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.


I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”nnGood job guys…we drove twitter crazy!


I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.


remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s


btw I learned this tonight: DO NOT image search “scrotum” because people only post pictures using a medical name if there’s something wrong


I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience


PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.


Obama just said that no one is listening to our phones..I wonder if he realizes that the LAST thing we do with our phones is make a call!