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@chloethesiren

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

@GeorgeScumbag

Remember ladies. It goes from Twitter to Kik to Voxer to cell phone number to address to being dismembered in a motel bathtub.

@AbbyHasIssues

Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.

@JustFingKatie

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”nnGood job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

@skittle624

I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.

@rad_milk

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s

@hell_homer

btw I learned this tonight: DO NOT image search “scrotum” because people only post pictures using a medical name if there’s something wrong

@SexySpainNights

I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience

@goldengateblond

PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.

@stonedcoldlazy

Obama just said that no one is listening to our phones..I wonder if he realizes that the LAST thing we do with our phones is make a call!