Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000

Me:

Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.

hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!

you can read the whole thing here:

When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:

Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices

HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president

KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician

If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this

guys I’m going home

Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho

[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

[the afterlife]

Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!

Angel: *chuckling*

Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.

Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.

Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

No, I don’t think I will.

Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: what does that mean?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: what did you say?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.

God: you have perfect hearing.

Dog:

God:

Dog:

God: you’re a good boy.

Dog: [tail wag] : )

A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.

I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead