@funWindow

Prove im not a robot by typing the wierd letters? um PRove your not a robot! i can see u computer yoU are a robot and this is my website now

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@JoroPotential

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

@MavenofHonor

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

@UncleDuke1969

[job interview]

Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …

@AndrewChamings

CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.

ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*

[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]

@TeejayRush

Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…

For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…

@KimmyMonte

*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?

@BeTheCookie

Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Whatcha doin?

12yo: Catching up on Walking Dead.

Me: Did Hershel die yet?

12yo: WHAT?!

Me: Guess not.

@TheMichaelRock

Sleeping Beauty was full of shit. No woman is that nice when you wake her up from a nap.

@Sassafrantz

Being possessed would be cool because you could turn your head all the way around to say “wrong hole”