It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
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I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Based Erika
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.