Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
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When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
S O O N
#merica
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”