Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
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ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
*in court
😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!
😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.