Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

[hs reunion]

JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital

“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you

Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.

Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!

Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you

Me: He’s murdered 7 people

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]

“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?

Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?

Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?

I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs

Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”

Swiper (on Tinder): …

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.

Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.

[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame

No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.

I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk

Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair