Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
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I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁