Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.

*watches Beauty and the Beast*

*looks at dirty dishes in sink*

WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!

Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.

Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship

me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there

friend: you live in an apartment complex

me: oh yeah

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges

I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”

I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.

My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.