Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!

Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.

6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)

Buying In Bulk

In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month

In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight

My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.

Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.

the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

I feel like people just come to the airport to cough

Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.

I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!

– me to my bed.

Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”

Me: *dances*

Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”

*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.

I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

[ day 2 of self quarantine ]

me: i’m bored

my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe

When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.

Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother

The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!

…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

[Jeopardy]

Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.

Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.

Me: [buzz] what is summer.

Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.

Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.