proverbs are so mean. like i don’t deserve any worm because i woke up at 11am? like no worm at all
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I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Modded the new Gran Turismo
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?