Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.

#happyhalloween

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?

Me: *nods*

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*

ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!

Him: Send me a shower pic

Me:

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*

British people be like I’m Bri ish

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭

I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

When you stub your toe but there are kids around.

BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?

Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.