Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.

Her: On a Saturday night?

Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this

the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”

texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus

The chicken coup is unlocked!

“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”

*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*

No, Snowball

Discuss

*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*

ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.

When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.

If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.

*opening a bag of chips*

Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library

Me: It’s my emotional support snack

The 4 stages of a family vacation

Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider

5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?

Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost

marriage counselor: what. where is he

wife: he’s probably trying to come in…

[sound of someone running straight into the door]