ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
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ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
This meal prepping shit is easy
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years