Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…

“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.

“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever

is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while

Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*

When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything

Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

[pet store]

Me: your parrot called me a cracker.

Manager: maybe he was asking..

[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*

“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.

Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?

[4 hours later]

Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes

this independent good boy don’t need no human

Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.

The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .