Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.

Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean

Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*

Bouncer: you still can’t go in

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants

PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.

My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you

People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.

sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.