Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.

– Old folks home fortune cookie

earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*

webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat

Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?

Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles

Game theory professor: w- what

WHAT DO WE WANT?

RACE CAR NOISES!!!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??

NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

her: i only date woke guys

me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

Don’t you just love arts and crafts?

Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.

I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?

My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:

“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”

When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.

Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk

Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.

1-year-old: *eats it*

*screams in pain*

Me: At least you learned your lesson.

1: *eats another one*

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”

when the buffet is more honest than your date

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

[gun shop]

ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?

CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal

ME: Ok

CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately