PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
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Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.