PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on
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too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
So creative 😂
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.