PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on
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The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
m’lady
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates