PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on
You Might Also Like
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
How does one answer this?
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
taking June’s advice to heart
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal