PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on
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The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.