Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther

Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*

Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?

That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee

My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.

You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger

I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations

How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”