PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
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Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.
Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…
Nope, no thank you.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Important
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared