@ItsSamG

PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.

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@PhilJamesson

i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only

@hellohappy_time

“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit

@Avepates

Sometimes I like to hysterically tell mall security that my infant son has gone missing just so I can show people baby pictures of myself.

@AristotlesNZ

In retrospect, when the cop pulled me over & asked “where’s the fire”, stroking a lighter & whispering “haven’t decided yet” was a mistake.

@iwearaonesie

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*

@Schmoodles

Sometimes I see a baby and think “Aww, I want one!” Then I find my TV remote in the fridge again and think “Yeah, maybe I’m not ready.”

@Steelers1972

I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.

@ThePocketJustin

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.