Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
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FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Obama:*sits down and whoopee cushion makes fart noise* what th- JOE
Biden:*tears in his eyes, points at trump* HE WAS SUPPOSED TO SIT THERE
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Make sure that nobody ever invades your personal space by constantly hula hooping wherever you go.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.