PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.

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Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die


“U put on suntan lotion?”
“Youll get sunburned!”
*sun descends, his voice echoes loudly*


[father and son riding bikes together]

dad, how’d you get so good?

[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs


Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?


My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc


Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED


The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.


If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands


Your British accent is so attractive! If we had kids would they have British accents? We should do a scientific test & find out. For science