@ItsSamG

PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.

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@AmishPornStar1

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

@roxiqt

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

@roostermustache

Obama:*sits down and whoopee cushion makes fart noise* what th- JOE

Biden:*tears in his eyes, points at trump* HE WAS SUPPOSED TO SIT THERE

@YayatiSB

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

@tastefactory

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*

@asamantha321

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

@Mikecanrant

Make sure that nobody ever invades your personal space by constantly hula hooping wherever you go.

@Beatonm5

perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower

@Bob_Janke

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.