ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
You Might Also Like
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Sometimes I like to hysterically tell mall security that my infant son has gone missing just so I can show people baby pictures of myself.
In retrospect, when the cop pulled me over & asked “where’s the fire”, stroking a lighter & whispering “haven’t decided yet” was a mistake.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
Sometimes I see a baby and think “Aww, I want one!” Then I find my TV remote in the fridge again and think “Yeah, maybe I’m not ready.”
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.