psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
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Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Hear me out: WrestleVania
awkward
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.