psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
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dril cadence
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
every olympics i turn into this guy
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”