some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
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Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.