Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
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People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
see you in hell you stupid fruit
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.