Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

I would like even faster food.

Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.

Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist

M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?

Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.

M: Well, I’m Ursula.

My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”

Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

If, I, want to, put, a comma, there, then, I will put, the comma, there.

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

LOL

“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”

– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me

If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…

A bad parent with an ice cold beer.

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.

Priest: You May now kiss the bride.

Goth couple: *scowls*

Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.

*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?

~How my send button should function

I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.

Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.

The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers

Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”

They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

This is a bad idea on so many levels.