*grandpa in hospice*
“son your generation relies on technology too much”
*pulls the plug*
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Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Axl: Where do we go now?
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Using Instagram as my only data set, I estimate my friend’s food budget to be about $78,000 a year.
I’m getting a restraining order against my debt collectors. As much as they call me it’s really just starting to come across as desperate
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.