earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
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No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”