Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

ME: one ariana please

STARBUCKS: what size

ME: *winks at camera*

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel

All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.

(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU

*shakes buy one get one free coupon*

A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.

Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.

Lesson: Do not ask me for advice

Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.

Website: are you a robot?

Cyborg: *sweating activated*

The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

“We will wed,” I threatened

Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]

My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.

There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore