PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
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They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??