PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
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Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
plant them where lol
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
A little too much information.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.