PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
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I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I’m Kodak hut old. So I know a thing or two about humiliation, I had to pick up my own nudes, in person.
Blocking them isn’t enough. I hope they get unexpected guests.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think