PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
You Might Also Like
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
“Some men go months without being hugged.” Ok then they should hug each other.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I would move hell over six inches for you
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*