PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
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The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.
It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?