Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”

Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?

She’s fine she’s just an idiot.

me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER

Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

A: You look for the fresh prints!

I’ll show myself out y’all

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship

My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!

Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)

My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.

Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.

I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.

The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.

Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.

Happens to everyone.

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.