Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-

Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8

If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?

Me: It does now.

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.

At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.

Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”

If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan

They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.

2000: I don’t want no scrubs

2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.

Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.

[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that

Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.

Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein

Cw: Ignorance is bliss

Me: Explains why you’re so happy

HR: It’s good to see you again

INTERVIEWER: strengths?

ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument

INTERVIEWER: great

ME: which could also be a weakness…

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.

My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep

Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind

6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.