Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.

Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.

[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

Random dm guy: What are you wearing?

Me: A scathing look of disdain

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.

Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?

“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”

As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”

[Googling]

How many calories in a glass of white wine?

*45 minutes later*

[Googling]

How many calories in a bottle of white wine?

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

Me:

Mime:

Me: You don’t say!

[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”

I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.

When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines

Delicious sardines

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.

i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano

-me politely declining dates

Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!

Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.