Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”

I need to remind myself daily that I am pretty awesome and that I can do absolutely anything.

Except reach the top shelf, I can’t do that.

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.

My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”

My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!

Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!

Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct

three things we don’t talk about

So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like

7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.

I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops

A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.

Steven: I love you

Stephen: I lophe you too

Go gym

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!

Me: Why?

Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead

I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.

14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’

Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘

14: ‘It’s back.’

Me: ‘Good talk.’

Fun Fact:

If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.

absolutely crushed dolphin wordle

I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.