PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
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Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Happy thanksgiving
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
How dude HOW?!
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you