PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
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[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
happy valentine’s day to me
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
