PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
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Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
On the night before Christmas, I was taking a walk,
Avoiding my girlfriend, who “needed to talk.”
When what on my new hat did appear,
But a sprinkling of poo from eight flying reindeer!
The old sleigh driver flew on so quick,
I shook my fist and yelled, “You stupid prick!”
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I put my pants on just like everybody else: when the police tell me to.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
