PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
