PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
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Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
incredible text to wake up to
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
