PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
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women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Oops 🤭
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”