PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
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All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.