PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
You Might Also Like
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
As the Lord intended
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat