PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
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Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift