@sad_tree

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

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@weinerdog4life

Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar

@ObscureGent

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*

@electrolemon

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

@withanewname

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

@lisaxy424

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

@BoogTweets

Judas: *Sips wine* Great, water again, very funny

Jesus:HAHA I got you!

Judas: So glad this is our last supper

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

@Bagyants

I don’t know, the friend zone sounds like a cool place with pizza and laser tag

@ericsshadow

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

@ruinedpicnic

“I want you back in my arms…”

– me, drowsily, to the bag of blood hanging beside the donation bed