PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
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Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet
– Keys to a successful relationship
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Judas: *Sips wine* Great, water again, very funny
Jesus:HAHA I got you!
Judas: So glad this is our last supper
I don’t know, the friend zone sounds like a cool place with pizza and laser tag
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
“I want you back in my arms…”
– me, drowsily, to the bag of blood hanging beside the donation bed