Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.

Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.

Girlfriend: Are you crying?

Me: It’s a wedding episode…

Gf: But you don’t even like this show

Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭

Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

Her: Who ate all the ice cream?

Me: *blaming the dog* Reese

Her: What? How?

Me: Witherspoon

Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good

Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it

Me: oh is there? *winks*

Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B

Me: Hell ya I do

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you

*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret

Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…

[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁

Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

No. YOU-buprofen.

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!