Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.

“what’s it like having a sister?”

My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

[camping]

Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.

Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.

Born to be mild.

My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”

My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.

“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”

-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords

Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.

If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Dog: I thought we settled this.

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.

One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab

I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.

So I pulled down my pants.

Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁