Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A friend’s old roommate handmade guitars from Canadian maple with hand cut mother of pearl inlays. He showed me several works in progress and how many hours it took for each step. Truly a labor of love. I learned that day that if you follow your passion, you can bore anyone.

Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!

12: It’s called texting.

starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!

me: oh hell yes

starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead

me: what are they made of

starbucks: plastic

me:

starbucks:

me:

starbucks: wait shit

4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?

Me: So they can buy stuff.

4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?

She’s a criminal mastermind.

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art

Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department

My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.

Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true

For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why

Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.

Me:

Plumber:

Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.

I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play

I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.

Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.

4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?

me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize

4: no

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses

What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle

The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord

Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?

Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?

Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company

“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult

I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!

Always the vampires

People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?