Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.

when you don’t want to be too vague

A guy in the parking lot saw me trip over my own feet so I yelled to him “I just quantum leaped into this body!”

ㅤ

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today

NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?

People: we are overfishing the sea

McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller

People: nonononono

What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…

Gross if literal…Liverpool

Alien: did you just call me daddy

Me: I don’t get probed much

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.

no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*

me: your wife’s surgery was a success

him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?

me: *shrug* I’m free whenever

You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…

….vocabulary.

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.

*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.

The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.

The French really did the “this is fine” meme.

Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?

Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!

Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.

Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.

ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*