Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN

An Autobiography

Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me

Judge: way past that

You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.

CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore

also CEOs:

What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?

One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”

‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’

‘Woody?’

‘Not quite that excited.’

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

Favourite diary entry ever

blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.

How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?

Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.

It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.

me hitting on a model

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

Breaking news:

A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.