PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
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I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
i really liked this one
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.