Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.

Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES

Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!

Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”

Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”

😐

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”

Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.

HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?

ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything

[bedtime]

daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping

me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first

daughter: …

me: night, sweetheart

PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]

i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.

‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.

Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakable

Me: HAHA!

Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way

Me:

I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s

The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.

just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.

Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?

According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

Person: so, how are we today?

Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks

“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.

This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone