Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”

-if animals made nature shows

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older

me: are you cool?

my armpit: good to go

me: you sure? not itchy?

my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine

me: promise me

my armpit: dude I promise

me:

my armpit:

me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*

my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this

I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.

Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.

Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.

[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.

3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?

She’s going to crush high school.

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

Me: Any Costco requests?

Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.

If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.

WHY would you be happy about this?

Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ

IT’S-A ME,