Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department

The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism

Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.

i don’t miss calls i stare at them

Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.

Ninja: So does a samurai sword.

L: But does it make a cool noise?

N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*

I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”

Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.

Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.

Sometimes I spell my name (bob) backwards just to see who’s paying attention.

Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions

If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!

Husband: ….

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.

My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!

Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.

I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”

“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread

I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.

Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?

Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!

Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.