Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
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*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Finally!
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
A large group of people is called an eww no thank you
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
best first i’ve ever seen
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…