Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
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“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
they split up moments later
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?