Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…

I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.

Just choked on a apple…

Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.

18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.

This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️

Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.

*one minute after turning out light*

My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.

me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?

him: no but I did see him play checkers

Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.

Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.

you want me to attend a work meeting? the thing that killed Julius Caesar?

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..

..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.