Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
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Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific