Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!

[spelling bee]

moderator: your word is abandon

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: everyone you love will abandon you

me: omg

moderator: lol no not even close

Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”

Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”

[whole room] “AFTER ME”

“Ok fellas, lets start here”

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers

The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.