Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad

#CatsOnTwitter

My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard

Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me

Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.

A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat

What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack

Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite

Me (acing this date):

I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

Seriously.

Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!

“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”

For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons

Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?

ME [clever] no

airing out the snack pack

I was bored.

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*

So, this is how my day is going. How about you?

I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.

🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.