Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw

*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs

once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.

Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*

Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now

whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on

I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?

Me: recently?

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*

BAD DAD! BAD!

Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.

We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign

me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]

It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.